6 Tell-Tail Signs That You are in a Parenting Fail

The following may be signs that you are in the midst of a parenting fail:

1. You have no idea where your child is. You fear she has been stolen by an unsavoury individual with even more unsavoury intentions. She is hiding in the closet just to piss you off. This all happens about 2 minutes before the school bell is set to ring

2. Your child attempts to bite, scratch and kick you.

3. In your attempt to physically drag your child into the school building where you plan to abandon all knowledge of this child and her emotional distress, your other child clings to your legs until she falls over and starts to cry.

4. Your morning ends with an irate email to the recycling authority explaining to them to stop being such assholes by expecting recycling to be at the curb by an ungodly hour -  before any human being should reasonably be expected to accomplish anything people!!

5. You plan to do better tomorrow.

6. You crave a donut. Badly. Or better yet, a cronut.

First Post

This is not one of those parenting blogs where you will find long-form think pieces iterating a philosophical stance on raising children, or explaining the correct sharing rules to teach your child or even take up a position in attachment-parenting, share quinoa recipes or give you tips on raising a girl who knows better than to sext  strong female. 

Unlike the many, many others out there, this blog is here to make you feel GOOD about your parenting. After enjoying these stories of my daily parenting life, you will have such endorphin releasing thoughts like “wow, I’m glad that hasn’t happened to me, yet” or “wow, so glad I’ve never done that...well, not today at least.” 

Because parenting is damn hard and, as one person I know put it, “kids are basically feral.” Or at the very least are put on this earth to  test the limits of our sanity teach us things. Like patience. Joy. How to avoid projectile vomit. Yeah. It’s like that. You didn’t know parenting would sometimes feel like a war zone. 

This blog will commemorate those moments and at the very least recognize how children bring out the bizarreness of everyday life. It should make you feel damned good about how your day went, whether you are childless or childful. Unless you are in that lovely in-between period of expecting your first child. In that case, your screwed.