6 Tell-Tail Signs That You are in a Parenting Fail

The following may be signs that you are in the midst of a parenting fail:

1. You have no idea where your child is. You fear she has been stolen by an unsavoury individual with even more unsavoury intentions. She is hiding in the closet just to piss you off. This all happens about 2 minutes before the school bell is set to ring

2. Your child attempts to bite, scratch and kick you.

3. In your attempt to physically drag your child into the school building where you plan to abandon all knowledge of this child and her emotional distress, your other child clings to your legs until she falls over and starts to cry.

4. Your morning ends with an irate email to the recycling authority explaining to them to stop being such assholes by expecting recycling to be at the curb by an ungodly hour -  before any human being should reasonably be expected to accomplish anything people!!

5. You plan to do better tomorrow.

6. You crave a donut. Badly. Or better yet, a cronut.

Do You Have A Shopping Cart?

My youngest daughter, G, likes to sing made up songs. One of the cutest is the one titled "do you have a shopping cart?" I usually use one when I do grocery shopping with my girls. I find it makes the task easier, corrals them in one place, so to speak, if we could imagine two children as a herd of horses (not that hard really). However, on one recent occasion, the shopping cart was not enough to save me from the ORDEAL THAT IS SHOPPING WITH CHILDREN.

My first mistake might have been NOT promising candy as a bribe for good behaviour in the store. What was I thinking? Well, I guess I was thinking of my children's health, but I only needed about 10 items, so I thought nothing could really go wrong.

My second mistake was using the self-serve checkout. Now, I'm usually a pro at them and zip through in no time, but on this day I had decided to use my own bags, which I rarely do when I'm self-checkouting. All the other lines were long and I was desperate to finish the task since the two monkeys in my shopping cart were getting scrappy.

G was sitting in the child seat, R was hanging off the side. I was madly trying to self-check out items and get the machine to cooperate with my cloth bags. Scrappy monkey R, probably bored, was poking G for entertainment, who responded with swats and pushes. While my back was turned toward the machine, I could hear that things were starting to get pretty rough, so I turned around.

I was just in time to watch the whole shopping cart fall right over. That's right. With my child hanging on to the side. With my youngest strapped in the seat. With the shopping cart landing right on top of my horrified oldest child.

I do not recall what it was exactly that I yelled out, but it was something along the lines of "OH MY GOD!" Both children were crying very hard. EVERYONE was staring. By some miracle, neither of them was really hurt. A kind grocery store employee let me sit on a bench and sooth them while she rang the rest of the purchases through. Where would I be without the kindness of strangers? Probably a crazy woman pushing a shopping cart. Oh wait....

On Father’s Day & Headbutts

My 5-year-old daughter, R, receives weekly counseling appointments. Recently, I was waiting for her appointment to finish up when she finally appeared holding a piece of paper embellished with her writing and drawings. 

“An anger menu?” I read. 

Yes. The counsellor explained that it is a list of options for when R feels angry.

See, unlike many other 5 year olds you might know, R has some legitimate reasons to feel angry. Particularly around this time of year. And the real reason only hit me last week when I was being hit, quit literally, by R’s head. You know, one of those random headbutts.  This one took me completely unaware. 

I had paused for a few minutes in my usual housework scramble to watch a clip of an interview with American Authors. So enthralled was I in watching this cute band (have you seen the video for Best Day of My Life? Adorable!) that I was caught completely off guard by the sharp burst of pain in my upper right thigh. Yes, my charming daughter R had put her head down and run head long into my leg. And I can assure you, her head is very big and very hard. Ouch. 

“Ahhh!!!! Why did you do that?” 

This was all I could muster for several minutes before the parenting brain kicked in. I was completely stumped as to why this child of mine, who was completely happy and content just a moment before, had suddenly turned into a monst- I mean....slightly violent. 

It took me several hours to figure it out. Father’s Day. Of course she was angry, Father’s Day was due to arrive in a few days and there has likely been talk of it all week at school. So of course she is sad, confused and angry. Because she does not have a father or, at least, not one that is well enough to have any contact with her.

Naturally, I was relieved to see that anger was discussed this week in her counseling session. Hopefully the anger menu does not have a “headbutt your mother” option or at least that option won’t be explored again until my bruises have a chance to heal. Because I’m just a believer that things will get better....